The Diary of the Normal, Vampyric Dagger
by Dia
Summary: This is the diary of Artemis Entreri's dagger ( he was recommended to write in a journal by his psychiatrist). WARNING: If you can't find the humor in dangerous flirtacious swords, Master-obsessed daggers, and lack of sword polish DO NOT READ THIS!Jarlaxl


Hello peoples! This is my first Forgotten Realms fanfic, and this is surely not my last (You shall never be rid of me!). This was  
originally a thing I did for a book report for my English Honors class, but my friend suggested that I should it up on FF.N as fic  
so here it 'tis! BTW, throughout A.E.D's diary entries it mentions a bit of slash, a fondness for gore (Come on! It's a bloody   
dagger!), and some wierdness, so if you have allergies to any of the said things, please click the back button. Now, please enjoy  
this snippet of random insanity.  
  
Dia presents to you..  
  
~*The Diary of the Norma;, Everyday, Deadly, Vampyric, Life-Sucking Dagger*~  
_________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
~*Entry 1*~  
  
Yes, it 'tis I, Artemis Entreri's infamous dagger, which has stolen many a life during it's  
25 year career as an assassin's dagger is writing in a DIARY!!! No, I am not doing it out  
of indulgence in one's own feelings (like that pansy dark elf Drizzt Do'Urdan) by writing  
them down, but I am only doing because my psychiatrist told me to and I'd get a free  
polishing along with it. Anyway, I might as well introduce myself like all people do with  
their first entry into their diary/journal ect. My name is..Artemis Entreri's dagger and I  
am owned by Artemis Entreri (who, by the way, is the HOTTEST owner in the world)  
who, to make me happy, at least kills one person/thing/animal a day and polishes my hilt  
and sharpens my blade every night!!! Well, I must go, Master has an 'appointment' with  
that pansy drow Drizzt (when will my blade finally deliver the final blow?).  
  
Dream Darkly,  
  
A.E.D  
  
~*Entry 2*~  
  
Haha! Master and I have finally did it! We have fought Drizzt for the last time because  
we have finally sent him to Death's Door! I have finally mastered over the thing...that  
my Master has...no HAD! (I have to keep reminding myself he has been disposed of) so  
despised and opposed makes me as happy as any faithful dagger could be! I also showed  
Drizzt's two scimitars (Icingdeath and Twinkle, and what sick individual would name a  
scimitar TWINKLE?) that daggers are better than any scimitar and my beautiful ,skillful,  
and intelligent Master is surely better than that horrid dark elf they had for a master!   
Did you know those two always taunted me during our many skirmishes with each other?  
They always teased me about my taste in masters and that I picked a weakling to fight  
for, but LOOK WHO'S TALKING NOW!!! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Happily (and Insanely!) Yours,  
  
A.E.D  
  
~*Entry 3*~  
  
It's been 3 months since I last wrote, and I'm not a happy dagger to deal with at the  
moment . Master (and I of course!) went to see a slimy informant named Sha'lazzi Ozoule  
within Calimport's wealthier market places. I thought the reason for our visit was to find  
information about any other guild that was plotting against House Basadoni (which my  
Master secretly owns!) and how they were plotting to infiltrate to possibly weaken us , but  
to my surprise (and dismay), it wasn't! Master was seeking information on the infamous  
sword called " Charon's Claw" which is probably the most powerful blade to ever grace  
the Calimshan's sands. I was a bit offended by this, even though I understand why my  
Master would want such a blade, but aren't I good enough. I mean, what happens to me  
when he finally gets Charon's Claw (what Master wants, Master gets) ? Do I get  
disowned and find myself later cluttering an already cluttered shelf in an armory room  
some where? Or would I just be ignored!? I can't stand such thoughts! Master and I (or  
at least Myself and my Master) have such a *deep* relationship!!!!! I even think I'm too  
depressed to even cause someone a *parchment cut* at the moment. Oh, Woe is me!  
  
Depressingly Yours,  
  
A.E.D  
  
~*Entry 4*~  
  
Don't have time to write, but I have some things to vent. Kimmurial Oboldra and Rai-guy  
( Master's Boss's lieutenants) are really getting to be bothersome with my Master's plans  
and they have the gall to take stabs at my Master's dignity and pride by using him as a  
mere messenger boy! I can't wait till Master and I have an opportunity to disconnect  
their heads from their bodies!  
  
Sincerely,  
  
A.E.D  
  
~*Entry 5*~  
  
Master has finally convinced Jarlaxle Baenre (his boss) into attacking the Dallabad  
Oasis with drow warriors, so Master can sneak in and retrieve the Charon's Claw (which  
Jarlaxle doesn't know is Master's true reason). As usual, Master performed beautifully  
(along with me!) and deceived Soulez (then current owner of the Charon's Claw) by  
having him think that he (Soulez) was wearing the *right* gauntlet and had him pick the  
sword with the actual wrong gauntlet which burned the flesh right off Soulez's bones (Ha  
ha!) because the bloody idiot kept hanging on to Charon's hilt! Master is such a genius  
at these type of things! Anyway, I can already tell that he likes Charon better than I  
because he has polished Charon's Claw hilt 3 times already when he only polished mine  
once! I already feel so neglected (I'm spoiled!) I can't stand to think what will come!!  
  
Emotionally Confused, but yours anyway,  
  
A.E.D  
  
~*Entry 6*~  
  
I can't believe what just happened today! Charon's Claw has been *attempting* to take  
over my Master's mind as it had done with Soulez (and succeeded). Master is fighting  
against temptation, but he still seems to like it more than he does me! I mean, I may not  
have the devastating power of Charon's Claw, but I never even *attempted* to take over  
Master's mind! Anyway, other than the fact that he polishes Charon's Claw 3 times a day  
while I'm at a measly 1, HE USES HER IN COMBAT MORE OFTEN THAN HE DOES  
ME NOWADAYS!!! Master and his associates were facing off against the wererats guild  
within Calimport's sewers, and it had gotten to the point that Master needed weapons to  
convince them of something. I mean I always enjoy a good douce of spilt wererat blood,  
BUT HE USED CHARON'S CLAW TO KILL THEM!!!! BAH! Sooner or later, Charon  
and I are going to have a little chat...and I swear that if Charon's Claw touches Master  
in *any* way*, it's going to be facing one ticked off dagger.  
  
Angrily,  
  
A.E.D  
  
~*Entry 7*~  
  
Well, Master and Charon got into a bit of a fight tonight . Luckily for me, Master ended  
up winning (It was a typical sword-trying-to-take-over-your-mind fight, nothing major),  
but one thing happened that set me off my edge and that happened when Charon and I  
had our little 'chat'. Surprisingly, Charon isn't what I thought he'd be. I always thought  
him to be a sword cloaked in mystery and stoicism, a sword that lurked in the shadows as  
an enigma, but I was wrong. He is an absolute braggart and pervert, the worst I have  
ever met! Throughout the entire time I talked to him he kept mentioning how many  
powerful warlords fell to his powerful whims, the 'fact' that he could court any pretty  
scimitar within Faerun, and that I was 'cute' and 'adorable' for a dagger. I don't think  
that deadly, life-sucking daggers are SUPPOSED to be CUTE and ADORABLE!! Also,  
to add insult to injury, he kept trying to snuggle with me while master was asleep. I mean,  
can't he just stay in his own sheath? Well, I gotta' go to sleep or Charon may wake up  
and we don't want that!  
  
Sincerely,  
  
A.E.D  
  
~*Entry 8*~  
  
I'm starting to get really worried about Master because he is really stressin' out over  
Jarlaxle severe change in plans. Master suspects it is the doing of the crenshinibon, the  
crystal shard. Master is also worried for his and Jarlaxle welfare because Kimmurial and  
Rai-guy are plotting to overthrow, maybe even kill, Jarlaxle tomorrow night. If they  
succeed, Master shall surely die even with the power of the Claw on his side (along with  
me!). Master is planning on going on to see Jarlaxle at the same time to steal the  
crenshinibon from Jarlaxle and to take Jarlaxle with him to the Spirit Soaring ( a  
cathedral dedicated to Denier) to see foolish Priest Cadderly about destroying the   
shard.  
  
Sincerely,  
  
A.E.D  
  
~*Entry 9*~  
  
Master and Jarlaxle escaped successfully, crenshinibon was stolen successfully, and  
we're all sleeping in a tent that puts us into another dimension (the tent with us in it) so  
we can avoid be tracked by Kimmurial, Rai-Guy, and Co. Well, Master and Jarlaxle are  
sleeping peacefully, but not I. I have *other* problems to deal with. First of all,  
Jarlaxle's purple, plumed hat keeps flirting with me. Now, I understand why Jarlaxle is  
so flamboyant, he must take after his hat! (or his hat takes after him, whatever). Any way,  
his hat had the absolute gull to smack me on my hilt!! I mean, what a lewd and lascivious  
thing to do!?!? Another thing is that Jarlaxle's magical throwing daggers keep leering at  
me and saying rude things like, "I wanna' see myself in your sheath" and "I wanna'  
piece of yo' blade ". Magical throwing daggers!? In my opinion, that aren't *true*  
daggers since they are thrown and are powered by magic. At this moment, I do truly hope  
that Jarlaxle isn't going to be like this to Artemis because it is hellish and, by Bane, I  
want to get some sleep!!  
  
Tiredly,  
  
A.E.D  
  
~*Entry 10*~  
  
Well, Master and I are on the road again, along with Jarlaxle, his magical throwing  
daggers, his plumed hat, and Charon's Claw. Our road is heading toward the   
Mountains where Cadderly dwells, and that is where we must go to find out how the  
crenshinibon can be disposed of. I sense that a group of orcs aren't too far away, which  
means we are destined for a fight! My blade quivers in excitement at the chance to slay.  
Even though I love traveling, it has it's bad side...I may not get polished in a long time!!! (a  
long time being 3 days).  
  
Truly Yours,  
  
A.E.D  
  
________________________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Well, I hoped that you enjoyed this and if I get enough positive responces I may write another part to it!!! I own absolutely   
nothing! R.A Salvatore owns everything, INCLUDING Jarlaxle's horny daggers and the flirtacious Charon's Claw.. The only I   
own is the few pennies that you may get if you sue me!! Anyways, Ta ta!!  
  
Love,luck, and Lollipops,  
  
Dia 


End file.
